Left my lips

Awake

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 16:30:25 GMT

I had a very spiritual dream the other night. It impacted me so hard that I had to write it down somewhere.....

I was in a field on my knees and I knew that I was about to die, from something that was going to cause me alot of pain, along the lines of being killed in an unimaginable way. My hands where clasped together and my eyes where closed. Then I passed into what seemed like a vision. The earth was being shown to me as I watched in awe and an overwhelming feeling of calm and shock spread whithin me simotaniously along with astrong emotional appreciation for everything that I took for granted. There was a presence with me, I started to cry realizing the truth about what happens to the soul when it died. The feeling that took over could be described as discovering the most important thing there was to discover in life, finaly feeling "awake"
I was then in a place similar to what i left but almost different in everyway. Almost like a "mock" earth but not entirely. A different plane if you will. A voice then wispered, you may wake up now.

I woke up in sweat, tears, and with my heart racing. Knowing,...this wasnt just a dream,...I have sinced been plagued by this subconcious thought.

Movin on Up

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 17:48:13 GMT

So all of our stuff is finaly on its way up to Cleveland. So now the countdown consists of the days left in O-town. I am so ready to leave, I cant say that enough times. Now I just have to say all of my goodbyes and try to spread out my time so that I can see everyone one last time.

I am so stoked about Hilton Head. This vacation is way over due as far as I am concerned. I have been looking forward to it since we left last year. I am ready for beach, bike rides, tennis, cook outs, happy hour, happy night, food food & food, and and hanging with the fam. I think stini is stoked too, it will be a nice vacation for us since we are all worn out from the moving.

I am so tired right now....

My life is technically guyless right now. I say technically becuase I dont care for any of the guys that are in it. They are just there so whenever I need some male attention I just call one of them. So, yeah, guyless is nice. I missed it for a little while there. Things got a little to intense with kirk and fights started happening and all that crap. Thats when you know you need to pull out, so thats what I did, and it was deffinatly the right choice. I am looking forward to settling in up north and meeting a handsome northern boy,:-)

Other then that everything is the same but different, good but bad, up but down, basically everything is........ life

Sweaty all over

Sun, 16 May 2004 16:03:03 GMT

So,...
I am at the gym right now. I just got done with you usual workout as of lately and stini is tanning at the moment. So I thought I would take my extra few minutes and update on the good old journal.

Life has been very productive for me lately. I have come out of my shell so to speak lately and really gotten things done as I have needed to on a very proactive level. My eating habits have improved drastically compared to the past couple of weeks and my workout routine is back into motion.

Yesterday, Stini, Bobby, and myself went to BushGardens and had a really great time. I finally over came my fear of the Log ride. I guess when you get older those things just dont scare you as much as they do when you are younger. We went on all the rollercoasters and we got soaked on the "Congo" ride. Bobby and I got soaked the most until the very end,.... Stini was talking some trash making fun of how We where the only wet ones and then at the end of the ride she got SOAKED by the water fall. haha it was great. Then we played some games and toured the zoo section of the park. All in all a wonderfull day. We got home at around 9:30 and passed out because we where so exhausted from the whole day.

Friday night we all went to Red Lobster for dinner and met up with Megan and Jenn and saw Troy. It wasnt as good as I thought it would be but I enjoyed it of course becuase Brad was in it and wow,..did he look good. Then Bobby stayed the night and we we woke up at 7:00 on saturday to enjoy the activities of the above paragraph.

Today Stini and I got up early again and cleaned. I unpacted finally and then we came to the gym. Next we are going to take Sanford to the animal shelter and go pick up my car which I had serviced this weekend. Then on to the grocerry store and stini's family party. So we have another full day.

I think the best achievement this weekend is the fact that we didnt get hammered at all! Its amamzing not one night this weekend did we go bar hopping and enjoy the fruits of a nice cold beer. I think we did our drinking on Thursday night this week. It made up for our "lack there of" this weekend.

We only have for weeks left before we offically become Cleveland citizens. The anticipation is killing us both and I know I am so excited! I will just be glad when we are moved and I dont have to worry about all the shit that has to get done in order to do so.

I guess thats all for now, until next time,...PEACE OUT FOOS

The Pattern from Hell!

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 16:30:43 GMT

OK I seriously don't know where I find the guys that I find.

Last night after to going to christine's great aunts funeral/showing we go to Chillis for dinner. On our way there Christine's friend Nicole calls a couple of times and Christine didnt feel like talking to her so she didnt pick up the phone. Litterly 2 seconds later Kirk calls christine and she picks up. They start talking or whatever and then Nicole starts talking,..stini is like ,..wait did am I on 3 way,......NO! KIRK AND NICOLE ARE HANGING OUT TOGETHER ALONE. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT! I am at the point where i dont give a fuck what the intentions were behind that situation but I am shocked at this point! First of all Kirk and Nicole havent even seen each other in like a month and it was with stini that they where hanging out. Over that period of time kirk and I have been getting together and hanging out and "whatevering" together. I guess kirk just took it upon himself to go over there and hang out with her becuase he was bored and he knew she didnt have a job so she would hang out,..or at least thats his story. So they hung out all night and went drinking together and had pizza together,..WHICH HE PAID FOR, becuase nicole never has any money. Kirk has never paid for me,..no once,..in fact i paid for him the last time we went out becuase he didnt have any money! SO FUCK,..why does this keep happening to me. Why cant people just stop disrespecting me! I am sick, and livid, and mad! This has happened to me with every single guy I have dated except for one. Why do they think that they can go after my friends,..i just dont get it. This is just one more slap in the face. I dont get it,..i just simply dont.

So after that whole fiasco,.regardless of how "innocent" it was,.I am not answering the phone when he calls, nor am I returning them. If he wants to hang out with everyone thats fine,..but I sure as hell am not going to be the one to ask him to come out. I am going to delete his number from my cell phone and wash my hands of the whole situation. I promised myself the last time this happened (ban/sarah) that as soon as anything having to do with someone i was seeing and one of my friends even hanging out together alone or talking with out me knowing,...I would get the fuck out and thats exactly what I intend on doing. No hard feelings towards Nicole at all,.she is a funny girl and she has no idea whats going on anyways. Kirk on the other hand is a dirt bag as far as I am concerned and now more then ever he DISGUSTS me. I will be cordial to him if he is hanging out with everyone but I will try as hard as I can to give him no attention what so ever. I refuse to be disrespected like some white trast whore!

So today is not good for me. I am upset/offended/disgusted/shocked,...and pretty much every other negative feeling in the book.

I was talking to christine about this yesterday and I know that there is a key to this pattern that I am just not seeing. I am supposed to learn a lesson and I just havent learned it so I get faced with the same issues. So I am going to take this situation and learn from it,...disect it,..until I figure out how to prevent it from happening again. Which I have already done some of.

I am just lull right now, and the weather doesnt really help either. I dont want to be at work at all! I just want to go somewhere and think things through,.....

ON another note,..stini was there for me the whole time last night. I dont know what I would do without her and I say that all the time. Yeah we have are ups and downs but when it comes right down to it I wouldn't give up any of it and I have a true friend in her. I love her so much.

Chewing Gum....Lost in Thought

Mon, 26 Apr 2004 17:51:58 GMT

Hmmm...

There are alot of things on my mind lately.... so many things that I need to say and get out of my mind on onto something else.

Things are different lately.

I feel as though I am losing my control over my reality,...and I dont like that very much. I feel trapped, unable to change my current settings. Some things have happened that I dont like, Some things continue to happen.....

I have been getting hurt alot lately, I feel sensitive and vulnerable...

I sometimes wonder why? Why do these things happen? Why do I let them happen? Am I at fault ?

These questions plague me everyday when I wake up and everynight I lay in bed.

I am not depressed in the least,..its not that type of feeling.

This has nothing to do with the move,..the move actually keeps me focused and moving forward. Foward is good... Forward is new.... I need new right now....

I feel angry, so many emotions are pent up into one ball of frustration. I am affraid for myself. Now would be the wrong to to explode, but now all I think about is how not to.... How do you hold it all inside....How do you rid yourself of such feelings and thoughts... I am afraid that if I face what I need to,..it wont go well,..it will make things worse.

(Change of Thought)

Kirk really turned me off this weekend. I don't know why this happens when I start to like someone but once one thing happens that I don't like I get disgusted by that person. I dont know why I went home with him on Saturday night,..I made myself drink as much as I could in order to do so. I didnt want him touching me at the bar, I didnt want him looking at me. I was grossed out and completely uninterested. I dont know if I want to talk to him this week at all. I need not to and see how I feel about that. I am sure if wont faze me at all,...so what does that say. This happens to me alot,...this disgusted feeling.....
It makes me sick,..I feel like I want to take a million showers and poor bleach all over my skin to get rid of any trace that I had been touched by that person,...It makes me sick to my stomach,..evertime i feel that way I want to lock myself up in a room alone,..ugghh its awfull......

(Change of Thought)

My nightmares have acted up again lately. I have suffered night terrors since I can remember. Sometimes the images I see and the emotions I feel stick with me throughout the day. They force me to think though, to sort through my unconscious mind in a conscious state. Once a month I will have about a weeks spell of these dreams. I wake up alone and In the dark terrified to fall asleep to what I only seconds ago woke up from. I can't close my eyes because the darkness of my lids starts to change into images I would rather not see.

On another note,..these are just my random thoughts as of now. Life is not bad right now, just different. I need to focus on the important things, I need to change somethings and deal with others. But hey thats the way life goes right?

The ultimate roller coaster ride.

Long awaited

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 21:17:15 GMT

Well since I have been officially nagged to update my journal here goes....

Interesting how much life changes. Since my last post I have stopped talking to Benjamin(Nick). Not that this is a bad thing in the least. I was very infatuated with him though I must admit, but what are you gonna do. I guess that relationship was purelly sexual, and I believe I knew that from the beginning.

Anyways, things have been going nicelly lately. Kirk and I are getting along again. Kirk is a mutual friend between stini and I and Kirk and I kinda seeing each other (hard to define relationship, not sexual like the last one, strange really) But we both had a fight last week on friday night. It was pretty intense (can we say lovers quarel). It went through bouts of laughing and yelling but unfortunatly ended on a sour note. So it plagued me all weekend until we had a good phone conversation on Monday. We got to hang out "exclusively" on Friday night after the normal friday outings which was so nice becuase I beleive I am developing feelings for him, and I sense that he has some feelings as well, at least some signs point to yes. Its kind of a nice setup becuase we are both moving out of state within a couple of months of each other so its not like anything would get serious or even get close to going down that road. So we can just have fun and have someone to cuddle with every once in a while ;-)

Stini and I had an interesting evening last night. We went and saw Taking Lives which I really enjoyed. Ethan is always fun to watch on the big screen. Then we went to stini's and she organized her music files and I just kinda layed around and got lost in my thoughts. We had all the lights out and the candles burning, very relaxing. I thought about so many things, its so nice to just get lost inside yourself every once in a while. Then we both sat and talked for about an hour and then went to sleep. I always have interesting dreams when I stay at stini's.

This weekend we hung out with Bobby, Megan, Felix, Kirk, and his friend. As usual we all had a good time together. My pool skills are kicking ass lately. New lingo has consisted of Chapelle Show's "I'm Rick James Bitch", "I'm Rich Bitch", "Oookaaay", and "WHhhaat". Its so hilarious when everyone gets drunk and starts spouting off these phrases, it never ends. I am sure people look at us funny everywhere we go.
Bars this weekend consisted of Trick Shots, Rileys, and JB's.

I move in with stini the weekend of the 9th of May. Then step one will be over. Thats the latest move info.

Work is really wishy washy lately. I dont really have any set responsibilites becuase of the move. So I am the work "bitch" becuase I basically do whatever needs doing and I make sure everyone is trained properly on everything. Which I guess I dont mind really. Just going back and forth between properties is going to suck ass.

I guess thats really all for now. Until next time,.......

Late night randevous

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 18:29:57 GMT

Ok well the Dean guy is out of the picture, I decided I dont really like him that much anymore. That chemistry thing is a bitch sometimes. But for the past three weeks I have been "seeing" this guy named Benjamin(Nick). Not really seeing butt I dont really know what else to call it. He intrigues me so much. I am very attracted to him. He is a smart ass which I like. I need someone I can battle with. He has pretty eyes and a nice body. And super soft skin. He is really cocky though, which is kind of a plus and kind of not. He lives in the same complex as me so we see each other pretty much ever 2 or 3 days which is good. Unfortunatly it will never be more then what it is becuase of so many reasons. But I guess I am ok with that. I cant really expect much considering I leave in 2 months anyways. I havent told him I am moving yet, I guess becuase I just dont want him to know. He asks me all the time though if I am,..sigh. So I have been thinking about him alot lately becuase its the most exciting thing going on right now.

Stini and I where supposed to go to a show last night but we where both so exhausted that we just passed out and went to sleep. It kinda sucked becuase I know we both wanted to go and we also lost 10 dollars not going. I am sure the show was good too, OH well whatcha going to do.

News front on the move. I am living with Stini my last month here. I am going to move my stuff to a storage facility for the last remaining days and save myself a good $800 in bills. Then its looking like the move is in the beginning week or second week of june. My first day of my new job is June 28! I am so nervous and excited all at once. There is just so much to think about lately. And to top it all off our social life has been banging lately. We both get phone calls from people at all the wrong hours of the night to go out. I think these people dont work or they have the impression that we just party 24/7. Who knows. It makes life interesting though.

"And light shall follow you wherever you go"

Personality: The world of difference

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 19:09:07 GMT

OK so like I said last post I met this guy named Dean on Friday night. Let me just describe him a little bit so the image can be made clear. He's really tall and skinny (not my usual type at all)and looks a little like James Dean (depending on how he wears his hair. He has 3 tattoos and, right now, 4 piercings. Now this is where it gets interesting. He used to have barbells peirced throughout his neck kinda like a collar. He also had peircings in his arm, both nipples, and I think he said some on his back. Now that is some wierd ass shit. But he took all of those out. So now its just the tongue, the ears and (this is the best part) his you know what. He also has brandings on his one arm that are shaped like a spiral with this little circles in the middle. Kinda cool but I think this guy has some serious pain addictions. But I must admit I love all that fucked up kinda shit. He plays guitar and cooks. He is from the marines and was born and raised in Calli. Oh and he surfs. He has awesome manners and really knows how to treat a lady (becuase we all know how lady like I am ). So needless to say I kinda like him. He is just so easy to get along with and hang out with. But I am not really sexually attracted altought the peircings kind of interest me. But sometimes looks arent always important. He makes me feel good when I am around him and he gives me alot of attention which I need. He wants the whole "whale crew" to go to Medival Times, and I talked everyone into doing a sushi night sometime soon. Stin you are so going! So thats the newest and greatest on the boy front.

On another note I got to meet one on Stini's new friends from school at the Whale last night and I really like her. Her name is Megan and she is Down. She is going to get us all tickets to a show that she follows. Right On Man! So that was exciting becuase I dont usually like very many girls.

The latest Jill news is that she is in love. Good for her becuase I know that she has wanted this for so long. They really are cute together and I think they compliment each other nicelly. I have already mentally claimed my position as one of the brides maids,..lol. When I do hang out with them I enjoy it, which is important because I hate it when I dont like the guys my friends might be dating, becuase it makes it harder to hang out with them. So all is well there. We are going to try and plan a fishing extravaganza sometime in the future which totally excites me.

This weekend the Stin Machine and I are going canooing (cant spell that word,.lol,..big surprise) and then off to Ohio we go! I still cant believe they have 4 inches on snow on the ground. I get cold just thinking about it. Burrrrrr.

and I gues thats all she wrote for now.

Forever and a Day

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 14:25:18 GMT

So much has changed, so many things have happened (expected and unexpected), so many people met, so many events enjoyed, so many plans blurred. Life has been very interesting this past couple months. Its so awesome how you never know what lies ahead, thats the one life mystery I love the most. Keeps the hope alive you know :-)

Ok so lets see,
This weekend rocked ass! Friday night bar and pool, met a guy named Dean, Saturday got my hair did (looks freakin awesome), went to Park Ave Cd's, expanded my musical ear, got denali tickets, went to the show (cant even explain how good that was), Sunday went to John Mayer and Maroon 5 show in Tampa (NIIIICE), went to 3 bars, got drunk at the show, got home in 35 min., met another guy named Nick (real name Benjamin) what is it about the benjamins,..lol...sounds like a song,..its all about the benjamins baby....

That about summs it up in one long exagerated sentence.

Sunday is Ohio, time for the BIG decision. There are so many things to weigh out and weigh in. I have a feeling when I am up there I am going to fall in love with it all over again. We will see.....

So I have decided to join Stini and become a show freak, which i really dont mind. I really enjoy them. I love the bands good and bad. I love the people because they are all so different, and man are there some hott ass chicos at these things. So thats my latest developing hobby.

Thats all for now ciao to all

Starvin like Marvin

Wed, 28 Jan 2004 18:12:08 GMT

I havent really posted lately because I have been so damn busy. So lets see,....

This week is good bye to Sanford week. I am trying desperatly to find someone to take him becase I am moving and also I am just not home enough to take care of him and give him attention. I have yet to find someone so I might have to give him to Petsmart to be re-adopted. That is my ultamite last option becuase I can't bare the thought of him sitting in some little cage all day,.he would be so scared. So I am calling out to anyone that knows anyone that would take him in.

Working out is rocking lately! I have lost almost 10 lbs since christmas. Woohoaaaa!
Stin thinks she is gaining weight but she is only gaining muscle weight which is good weight,..but she doesnt like any weight :-) We are going to start taking her body fat percentage so she will see the difference. Thats right stin we need to do a weekly measurement. This will boost your morale.

We are getting our tickets for the final trip up north before the move in February. We will most likely be gone for 3-4 days in the middle of march; settling all the left over loose ends, which there are, so far, a ton of. I have been taking it all one day at a time planning this and scheduling that. It is so much work to move your whole life. Its kinda of interesting but I was thinking about it and we will have moved one year after the original thought came to us in Hilton head last year. Funny how one thought can change your whole life. We have decided to move the week before Hilton head so we can have a full week of sun,beach,maragaritas, and extravaganzas with the fam. Then its off to work the next week for me. I am excited to work for a large corporation. I am ready to take my career one step further up the ladder. The awesome thing about this job is that I have to ability to make 6 figures within 5 years, that is if I bust my ass and dedicate myself to this career.

Stini and I are going to see John Mayer in March. The concert is going to be great, so I am deffinatly excited about that.

As far as Jill is concerned I have dinner on Thursday with her and her man. I havent actually gotten to spend any time with her in the past 2 months becuase she has recently been married (or at least it seems that way) you know its true gurl! So I have missed her lots and the nights we used to spend together. Hopefully she wont forget about me all together,..you know I wont be here much longer bird :-(

And I guess thats all for now
Until next time,......

22 and counting,...

Fri, 16 Jan 2004 20:33:43 GMT

So today is the big day,..22 BABY!
Jeez I dont feel that old, seriously, I still feel like I am 18. But anywazs today has been great so far! Everyone has been wonderfull, I got phone calls and received never ending E-cards, I got flowers, and I got taken out to lunch, and tonight is dinner, Opera, get together. So woohoo what more could a girl ask for. I love you all so much thanx :-) Birthdays wouldn't be special without friends and family.

Lets see what else is there to wright about. Oh I was reading more of my book last night and seriously,..if ever anyone is in a bookstore and passes "The Davinci Code" on the shelf I highly recomend it. It is probably one of the most intruiging and controversial books I have ever read. Its about this huge secret that the catholic church has been harboring and all these people are trying to find these secret manuscripts. And the map to the scripts is hidden with in a piece of art (in code) of Davinci. It sourounds the catholic churches ideals on women commiting sinus (sexual) acts out of wedlock and what they used to do when they found out,..and blah blah. Lots of conspiracy and murder,..which I have previously posted about. So my book report is now complete.

UMMMMMM lets see.....

I guess thats really it ,..I dont really have any life situations to talk about, everyting is super great right now. No drama's, no money problems, no bullshit :-)

So i will end this post on that note (no bullshit ;-)

Strange and new

Wed, 14 Jan 2004 20:56:12 GMT

I am going through alot of new emotions lately. So much is going on that is completely out of character for me, but its good. I am learning alot of things but that doesnt necessarily make things easy. I dont know if I am reacting the right way or if I should be acting differently. I am just going with how I feel. Sometimes its hard becuase you feel that the past is dead and gone but sometimes the past comes back, stronger then when it was the present. I have never had the past come back before, I never let it. Its like the feelings that where in exhistence arent in exhistence anymore, but its still hard to re-live certain situations (for me). But it is teaching me that not all doors need to be shut. I needed to evaluate who I needed to shut them on and who I didnt, basicaly think before acting irrationaly. It's amazing how a person in your mind can go from your idea of what you thought they where to what they actualy are.
I guess the hardest thing that I am coming to terms with right now is this: When you are with someone and there are things that you share and things, that you think, things that are said, you think that those moments are yours with that person. That those moments aren't repeated with other people. But I am learning that some people can copy those moments to a tee. It kind of makes me wonder how many people in this world are truelly geniune.
Ok, like for example. I have been through my share of relationships, but everyone of them where completely different and I cared about all of the individuals alot, but they where a different kind of care then the last.
That is not the case with some people, I guess thats what I am trying to say.
It just kinda feels like a "blend" and I dont want to be a blend of anything. I want to stand out, be different, unique, with my persona and my experiences with other people, as would
anyone.

I dont want anyone who is reading this to think I am upset at them in anyway, I just needed to jot down my feelings, because I do have some lingereing in there somewhere ;-) I need to write this down for me to see the growth and see that not everyone is who you think they are, and always always go with your first gut instinct about people.

No one ever said life was a fairytail,..but one things for sure..every fairytail has its ending.

ahheemm

Tue, 13 Jan 2004 21:16:26 GMT

So the B-Day is 3 days away. For dinner is Ruth Chris and for activities is Phantom of the Opera at Bob Carr and game night with the crew. I hope everything goes well, it would be nice to see a bunch of friendly faces :-). Tomorow is game night with stevey, stini and Sarah,..hmm,..i never noticed all the s's there,.lol. I am excited. We havent had a game night in so long. It will be a good time.
Tonight is legs night with the the stin-machine. Then I was thinking about cooking us dinner and then watching the 2 back-to-back episodes of the Real World,.hollaa! I love that damn show!

I have a headache *yucky*

The bull whips been a-crackin at work lately. But hey its keeping me on the edge of my feet and helping the long days become shorter. oh and on another work note, we are getting four new pieces of eye candy at the end of the month woohoo! They will be from the Devry Institute so looks and brains what else is there right ;-)

I start a new book today called the Davinci Code , I am sure alot of you have heard of it already. I am excited because its all about mystery, murder, and conspiricy, my favorites.

Thats pretty much it for now. I am going to try to post on a regular basis becuase I have been such slacker lately and on that note Im out.

Time passes by

Tue, 06 Jan 2004 18:11:01 GMT

So its been a looooong time since my last update. So much has gone on the past couple of weeks. Time is passing by at a steady pace as expected. Ohio is 6 months away. There is so much stuff I need to do in order to get ready. Stini and I should know the move dates by the end of february at least that is my goal. Also we have to plan for our trip up in march. So that is the future goals, short and sweet.
Working out has been AWESOME lately. Stini and I have been kicking some ass at the gym. We have upped our weights with arms and also added squats to our legs routine. Today I am killing!

I have been spending alot of time reading lately and time with myself. It has been good reflection time for me, it was much needed. I have thoroughly enjoyed all of me reads lately too.
Work has been crazy as usual. I just found out today that I have to do a 5 page marketing piece for a client of mine ASAP. So that put a huge weight on my shoulders but will deffinatly help my sales this month. I expect that will keep my days busy here this week.

On another note,..I think its spring time early becuase everyone around me is either in love or falling there. Its crazyness. I am so happy for everyone becuase I know how much everyone I know craves that feeling. Well,..who doesnt really.
My stance is still the same. I am in a time of self repair,..I think its so great for me honestly. Plus I wouldnt have anything to offer anyone right now anyways so it really would be a waste of everyones time. And truthfully I am happier now then I have been in a long time so that says something. I feel that I put myself into way to many unhealthy relationships becuase I was not mentally ready to be in one and I excepted anything that came my way. Well not anymore damnit ;-)
I will be prepaired and ready for the next "go at it". I am working on my self image alot, that is one of my biggest goals this year. And stini is helping so much by being my gym buddy.
Thanx Gurl!

I had a really nice weekend this past weekend, stini and I went on a 2 hour bike ride on the trail and had lunch. That was really nice,.hey,..gotta take advantage of this wacko weather right? I got a nice semi-tan which I havent had in so long. So yeahhh that was nice.

Furthermore, I have decided that its time to mend some old ties and learn to forgive more. So I deffinatly am going to get on that pretty soon here, life has just gotten in the way lately. Its going to be hard for me because I don't forgive easly but its something that I am going to work on for myself. I do miss hanging out with certain people and the shit that went down is so not worth losing friends over. Plus there really is no need to burn any bridges (sound fimiliar stin, i thought you would like that one ;-)

And on that note its time to get back to work. Hopefully stini will get her Thanksgiving pictures developed soon (hint hint) and we can post up some pictures of our trip to Cleveland, you guys can check out or little snowman,..oh he is a work of art. Holler!

There is so much more than this

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 02:51:29 GMT

I have been having a really bad spell the past couple of days. I havnt had a spell this bad in a couple of years. It was bound to happen after the events of Thursday night. I dont want to talk to anyone, everyone I have come in contact with the past couple of years I have ended up pushing away and offending or hurting in some way. I know what the problem is,..there is only one common factor in all of my discomferts. This is what is going to be expelled. It has been such a huge part of my life for so long, everywhere I turn it is there and it is apart of everything that lies ahead. I am so sorry to all that I have hurt, all that I have betrayed. I need to be alone right now to think,..think about what is important and what is not. I had a long talk with my mother today about my problem, it has gotten so out of control. I did something I havent done in a long while out of sorrow and that was cry. She has convinced me to seek outside treatment, which I told her I would do. I know that they can help me with the tools I need in order to move on in my life and gain back the control I need. I was in a debate with myself about even posting this entry, It is so hard for me to honestly admit that somthing besides myself has been controling my life for so long. I just want to run and hide, keep everything thing inside,.. but that wont help anything except delaying progress. I am calling out to those I love, those I know and care about,.... for something that I wouldnt normally ask for and that is help. This is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, and will continue to be a struggle for the duration of it.

I dont ever want to be in a hospital/doctors office again becuase of this. I dont want to feel the pain of lost friends and of lost love of family members any longer.
I have finally excepted it for what it is. No more cover ups, no more chances, no more cycles,.....

If I dont quite now it will be the end of me,... the end of my life.......

Painting my life away

Thu, 18 Dec 2003 20:59:44 GMT

So today at work I painted,..alll daaayy looongg. One thing I would advise to all is don't ever paint with heals on. Man,..MY FEET ARE KILLING ME! But hey my master of the skill has caused our center walls to look absolutely fabulous.
OH I have decided what My next tat is going to be. I have been toying with the idea for a long while with getting a swallow tattoo, because of time and lack of money I never got around to doing it. But now more then ever it will have meaning to me becuase of the move to Cleveland. I try to make all of my tats represent a change in my life or have meaning to me in some way. I am going to get it on the the side of my chest right under my arm. I am so excited becuase I have wanted to get a tat there for a while but couldnt figure out what i wanted. I am thinking about getting it around my birthday becuase I figure I will be funded enough then to afford it. That will be the forth and my goal is to have a complete set of five,.wooho! So what else,....hmmm,...

I have been thinking alot about my past lately. About all the people that have come and go within the past year of my life. It always amazes me how much can happen in a year. I do no that I have no regrets meeting anyone that I have met, becuase even though some of the relationships left on bad terms, I learned lessons from everyone of them. I do miss so people and others I don't. There are some right now that I used to be so close to that I watch dwindle away every day a little more. It makes me wonder about all the people I have yet to meet and all the situations that have yet to happen. Its weird to know that there is someone out there right now walking around that I will meet and have some kind of relationship with,..lol,..hopefully it wont be drama inflicted,..but hey whats life without a little drama right? It keeps things interesting. Stini said that she had a feeling that we where going to meet alot of people up north,..and I said oh like the ones we know now,..lol impling all sorts of good things,..hehe,..and she said oh of course we will with a smirk on her face,..I thought it to be quite funny but she was right. "same situations just different people" So I awaite the inevitable,....with eager anticipation,..

hummina hummina hummina

Tue, 16 Dec 2003 18:49:31 GMT

Only 5 days till travel! I am ready to go up north once again and get more things rolling towards judgement day. Today has been probably one of the best days I have had in quite some time. I have officially taken care of 90% of my bills! holly shit does that feel good. Also last night I spent 3 hours cleaning up the pig sty I like to call home. It is so nice now, it has a whole new feel to it, all the laundry is done and everything! It was kinda funny becuase I had stini come over and she was doing homework for math and I was cleaning with my headphones on so she didnt have to hear any music so she could concentrate. So I am sure it was amusing for her beucase i would be dancing around vacuming or mopping and then I would sing loud spurts of a song and then silence again,..lol,..I guess you have to take in the whole picture in order for that to be amusing. So thats another thing off my plate, its like everything thing is done and in order,..its quite a strange feeling of accomplishment. I havent had that feeling in quite some time.
So I have 2 more parties to go to this week to finish of the 4 party blowout of the the month. Friday is the gym party and Saturday is the work party. So I am trying to be good all week so I can handle two nights of drinking in a row. Tonight I want to work out and then snuggle with my new book. Its very intersting and challenges all of my perspectives which i like. I have been needing a good challenge lately.
What else what else,....Work is work,..the boy department,..thank god there isn't one! Interesing how easy life becomes with out any "distractions" so to speak. So yeah I guess my life is pretty good right now,... and there is really nothing else to say.

Pickup Lines you DON'T want to use

Fri, 12 Dec 2003 21:35:33 GMT

"Did you just fart? (No, why?) Cause you just blew me away"

"Fancy a raisin...No. How about a date?"

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

Um, you have really beautiful.....uh....eyes, yea. You are pretty. What I mean is... You have a nice forehead. (Messing Up) Do you believe in when I walk by..... (To yourself) Oh Man, STUPID STUPID STUPID!

Wow! Are those real?

You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? Twice.

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.

Your name is Laura, huh? Can I call you Laura? Really, what time?

Excuse me, but do you have the temperature?

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

Would you like to dance? [she says "no"] No, you must have misunderstood me, I SAID, you look fat in those pants!

Is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your pants.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

If I said you have a great body would you hold it against me?

What do you say we go back to my place and play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the heck out of me!

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

Walk up to a girl who is standing and say, "You look tired, let me clear you off a place to sit" then wipe your face.

Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long!

(speak this silently with mouth) I want a fig newton.

I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.

Do you like clocks? (if yes) put two hands and a face on this. (pointing down)

Excuse me, maam, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?

Hi. Are you legal?

Hi. You'll do.
I like your butt, can I wear it as a hat?

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

Would you like to see my boa constrictor?

Hey..somebody farted. Let's get out of here..

So, I see you eat with utensils. Well, I've got one that I'm just dying to put in your drawers.

You look a little feverish. Luckily I always have an oral thermometer on me.

Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?

A rift in passage

Wed, 10 Dec 2003 18:24:46 GMT

OK so whats new,...
Nothing really life is the same continous cycle. I feel as though I have so many thoughts to devulge at the moment but I dont know exactly how to explain them in writting. I dont even really know what my thoughts are about, I just seem to be constantly deep in them. I kind of feel like an emotionless entity lately. I dont know how to explain that. The minutes/hours/days pass by in a continuous pattern. I have been concentrating lately on how to project energy inwards towards myself instead of outwards towards other people and life. I know this is giong to take great strength from me but I hope to learn alot from this. I dont know exactly what I am searching for but I know that there is something inside me that I need to bring out or bring to the surface per say.

Mon, 08 Dec 2003 17:41:42 GMT

So this weekend was as usual eventfull. Friday night was a lax night for me I went over to Jillies and watched SPUN, quite an interesting movie I must say. We had some wine and just basially chilled all night. I think the highlight of the evening was when eggy called Jill (eggy is our little gay boy,..lol) and proceded to tell her that he has a thing for the girl at our gym! what the F is going on here. He says he can't stop thinking about her and how pretty she is,..i know who she is and she is quite attractive. I couldnt believe what I was hearing and eggy has been with his boyfriend for quite some time,...wierd....so now for some reason it feels weird around him,..lmao not really but a little. Its like learning that one of your friends is gay,..yet only reversed,..hehe if that makes any sense.
Other then that Saturday was a success and the 1st party of the season is now over. Stini worked her ass off at that damn party,..Girl we couldnt have done it without you! the house looked beautifull and all the people were fun. Of course I was outside with the smoking/drunkurd croud pretty much the entire duration of the evening. It was fun. Then everyone left around 12:00 so stini and I went to ale house for a night cap. PJ met up with us there and we hall hung out for a little while. Then becuase of all the red bull I had consumed that evening I suggested playing cards and so we proceeded to do so until Stini was MIA after we got home,..i guess she was tired,...ahh haah ;-)
Sunday Stini did homework all day and I loafed around at her place watching movies and MTV. Thats pretty much it for all that jazz.

On anther note my stomach sucks today, I think I ate something bad or something and it has been killing me all day. Hopefully the sprite I am drinking will calm things down.

I was just thinking today that Mark has officialy left the state yesterday and is on his way up to No Mands Land (Alaska) for good. Its kinda strange becuase when I first heard of his plans to leave I couldnt imagine it without him, I mean its not like we see each other very ofter, maybe once a month but I always knew that he was around. But since the last time I saw him (about 3 weeks ago) I have felt differently. I dont really even think about him that much, I dont feel in any bit like he was ever there to begin with. It actually kinda scares me alot because I feel like I should at least miss him. I wonder If I have lost my ability to "care" sometimes. I know that lately I have had alot of things racking my brain that I would just asume through out with the trash, and alot of thoughts I have had about certain people have not been fair to them or very nice at all. I am not usually a bitter person, but lately my judgements have been way out of line. Sometimes I wonder just how mean I really am, I really do surprise myself sometimes.And really I dont feel that I care about other peoples feelings that much anymore. Hopefully it is a transisiton period or something I am not quite sure. I have been daydreaming way to much lately too. I find that half the time people are talking to me I am not listening at all. My mind is always in other places lately. Sometimes I an not even quite sure how long I have been zoning. What I believe to be happening is that my defense mechanisms are kicking in and becuase I know that with the move I will be leaving so many people behind that I love, I am pushing them away now, so it wont be so hard for me down the road. But I know in my heart it will be hard regardless. I need to deal with my separation anxiety.

Ok thats enough babble for now.

Provoking the mind

Fri, 05 Dec 2003 22:01:23 GMT

Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny........

Dreams,...what do they really mean

Thu, 04 Dec 2003 16:28:13 GMT

OK so I have been having this horrible reoccuring nightmare lately. I am in a room with a masked man and he attacks me, basically stabs me to death. Yeah deffinatly not a pretty dream in the least. It wakes me up every night around 2 or 3 with my heart racing and my nervous system jolted. Every night it seems to be getting worse, more detailed, stabbed in different places, the latest being in the hands. So I took it upon myself to try and get some information about what exactly was going on in my subconsious (becuase as far as I am concerned I am a wacko). I found a dream analyisis website and looked up some terms that applied to my dream and this is what I found out, very interesting:

"Murder"
Murder murderers and victims in a dream are in no way connected with crime in real life. Nevertheless, the dream is a danger signal. It is an indication that the dreamer has, within his own consciousness, forcibly dissociated an aspect of his personality. This can refer to talents, unexploited potentialities or relationships with other people.

"Mask"
The mask is an indication that the dreamer identifies himself with a person of force which does not belong to his conscious personality. Psychologically speaking, the mask symbolizes identification with an anonymous, superhuman power. At the root of this lie delusions of grandeur; these, however, are pathological compensatins for an inferiority complex.

"Blood"
Blood is a symbol of vitality. There still exists a general popular belief in blood's magical powers. Blood also symbolizes love and passion. Loss of blood can indicate loss of love, but can also indicate a necessary spiritual sacrifice. a blood transfusion can be seen as spiritual enrichment.

"Death"
Death is, for the psyche, a process of transformation. Things which die in a dream are frequently replaced by something new. But usually the further developments in the dream show that spiritual renewal first requires sacrifices to be made.

"Knife"
The knife dissects and divides. If the intellect applies this activity to a situation, we speak of an analysis. Of course, a knife can also be used as an offensive weapon. Seen in this light, the man who pursues the dreamer with a knife represents an unconscious aspect of the personality, one of strong aggressive energy. The dream indicates the need to become aware of a problem. If you have similar dreams, try the following experiment on one occasion. Go over the dream situation again in your mind. Approach the threatening figure and take the knife from its hand. You will see that it suddenly no longer seems threatening but, in contrast, is likely to seem to need help. If you do this in your next dream, you will then see this threatening person with the knife suddenly change into something completely unexpected which will illustrate the solution the dream is attempting to convey to you.

So basically I have disconected myself from some relationship or personality trait. I am suffering from an inferiorty complex. I am suffering from a loss of love or attention. Some part of my life is dying away while another part of it is being born, and my subconcious is screaming at me that there is a problem that I am not recognizing and I need figure out what that issue is by taking control of my "fear"

hmmmmmmm.......

Time of Death

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 18:43:48 GMT

Ever wonder when your going to die? well of course you do, we all do. So I found this site that calculates your time of death due to health and enviroment.

Wanna see your dooms day?
http://www.findyourfate.com/deathmeter/deathmtr.html

Heheh

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 18:29:44 GMT

Thats right men, now its your turn!

http://www.msnbc.com/news/954083.asp?0dm=T27CH fsd

OMG!

Tue, 02 Dec 2003 21:12:36 GMT

Holly crappola we just had a fire outside the building. We all had to evacuate! there were two palm trees that caught on fire from someones cigarette we think. Wow the whole building could have burned down. The smoke in the parking lot was sooooo thick we couldnt breath and we had to move to the back of the lot. So all in all it wasted about 30 min. of my work day. Good times.....